Friday, June 11, 2010

honest grief, honest love

Birthdays are a time of celebration and joy. A chance to offer hope and well wishes for the year to come. A moment to reflect on time gone by. An opportunity to have a party celebrating with friends and family. All in all a very happy time for the most part. So today marks a birthday that I wish we could have a party for, my dad would have been 64 years old . I would have loved to throw him a small family party! As that is where he felt most comfortable or we could all gather in his wood shop because that was his favorite place. I had plans to do something with my kids but sadly they are very sick so it will have to wait. Instead today my mind goes back to the day he passed away 9 years ago this coming December ! I remember the things people said and the looks on their faces. You can tell the ones who know the pain I felt and the ones who are hoping they don't ever have to. So much compassion and support was poured out to our family. To which we will always be thankful for. The one thing I remember people saying the most is it will get easier... i wonder really is that what you meant to say? Maybe my grief and journey is unique, maybe for most people it gets easier. For me it just got different! The empty ache in my heart last just moments rather then days. When I smell fresh wood, or hear a saw buzzing I don't always break down and weep, now I may shed a tear but mostly smile and feel that warmth and love that was so much my dad. I can hear a story of his crazy adventures or hear a repeat of his awful jokes and laugh which I hardly did the first time he told them :)
However I will not lie, there are still days when the ache deep in my heart comes back and I miss him so much! Where I would give anything to ask his advice, hear his voice and fine British accent, have him give me a hug, watch him play with my children, Just see his smile again. When big things come up like stuff with the new house I longed for my dad to be able to see it and give his advice or just his nod of approval.
The point of honest post is not to be a Debby Downer but to take the chance to remind myself to hug my children more, remember what is really most important, to share my faith, to be the daughter my daddy hoped for me and the one my God created me to be. That in the moments of tears and aches so deep with in my heart that I remember I hurt because I was loved and that is life's great blessing to love and be loved. For in life there is but really...
Faith, Hope and Love, but the Greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

3 comments:

mclegg17 said...

Michelle, thank you for sharing your heart! Your words are beautiful! Your dad would be so proud of you!!!!

Becky said...

I love hearing how very special your Dad was to your whole family. He truly left a wonderful legacy for you all. Thanks for sharing him with us all.

Anonymous said...

Mich. so true I miss him so much, and today I hope i am living up to the men that he was. (this is your bro. Doug) You are the woman that he dreamed you would be because you have his heart to take care of family and others frist I see him in you so much. Love you and know he is proud of all you do.